It is almost my 5 year anniversary...of being mortgage free!!
I am also debt free, zero balance owing to anyone.
Because my salary is only part time I don't have a lot of money left at the end of the month. Property taxes, utilities, licence plates for my car and I still pay for kid#2's car plates monthly.
Last year after my bank fiasco and over contribution to my RRSP's, I don't think I will have anything to top up. I do plan to add to my TFSA. I won't max it, but hope to do $10,000 this year.
So finances are actually mundane, in a very good way. What hasn't been mundane is the rest of my life. Health has been a roller coaster, mental health has been something else as well.
Totally change of topic ahead but still a Monster that I need to slay:
There was a horrible incident with a friend's child this past fall. The child is safe now, and getting help. It was a huge trigger for me. I too was 10 years old when repeatedly sexually assaulted by my cousin. He was 5 years older, 100lbs heavier and he threatened me to never tell. So I didn't, until this fall. 37 years later. I have told my husband and 1 friend, and now internet strangers. Because it is easier here in the safety of my home to type it out than say it out loud. I've been coming to terms with what happened, not really, but I've at least got it out of me. Between him and the abuse I had at the hands of my parents, what a messed up kid and then adult I have become.
I will, at this point never tell my parents. Why? Because they will say I deserved it, or I am lying. Besides, he is a saint that can never do wrong. He was fired TWICE for embezzling from his last 2 employers. But "That can't be true! He could never do that!" Well, once maybe, twice, the asshole did it.
And "his dad doesn't treat him very good you know". All of this because "They were so lucky to adopt a boy!" What a dream come true to my dad. A son. My parental units fall all over themselves when he is around. "He's so smart". (Dropped out of community college). "He's making so much money!" (Probably stealing it)
This cousin doesn't show up at any functions I am at. Which is a great thing. My parents pulled a shit fit when I didn't invite him and his wife and daughters to my wedding. I had to make huge adjustments to a very crowded reception to have the golden boy and his family at a table. His wife responded that they would attend. Then 2 days before my wedding there was a sporting event for their daughter that they couldn't miss. Asshole cost me $125 for not showing up. Not reimbursed by my parents because if the golden nephew couldn't attend, well then they knew it was VERY important. Truth be told that bastard can't look me in the eye. That's why.
I'm not sure why, today, I need to throw this out there. But today I'm sick of this dirty little secret festering and eating a hole in my soul. Some day I will need to tell my boys. Someday I need to talk to a counsellor.
Not ready today.
The good things:
Sun is shining
I'm financially fine
I love my children
Things that suck:
The parental units
My childhood
7 comments:
Way too many of us can know this story personally. I am so sorry to hear this and just hugs and understanding.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I will never understand how anyone can abuse a child. You are in my prayers.
Sarah
You are not alone. At the Women's March on Saturday several women revealed their abuse in front of the crowd. While I don't feel able to do that I can share with you that I faced repeated abuse from a relative around the age of 5. It has affected every day of my life since. I never told my parents either - I wanted to save them from that. Funny, isn't it, that the victims protect the abusers by not sharing their story. You are very brave.
Thanks for your kind words ladies. And thank you for marching Jane.
"pillar"of the church and neighbour sexually assaulted me between the ages of 6 and 10. But Will never tell my mother, a few friends know... He also sexually assaulted his daughters... I was tempted to run him over with my car two years ago... But didn't... Once I said the words out loud of what happened, his power over the little girl I was was gone... Hugs to you and to the healing process!
Good for you for getting it out there - even anonymously. I hope it helps you and that eventually that piece of shit will pay for what he did. Good luck to you. Anna
I'm a new reader and don't have a blog of my own. I too, am a child survivor of rape when I was very young, don't really know my age at the time. However, I can still see so many "scenes" from that awful day. I'm now sixty seven years old and it's still with me. That terrible act has impacted my life every step of the way. I didn't marry the young man I was engaged to because I thought I wasn't good enough...after all, "good girls" don't do those things. Instead I married someone as "bad" as me. That marriage didn't work, nor the 2nd one. I'VE NEVER FORGOTTEN. Even now, after 60+ years, tears are falling from my eyes.
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